Archive for the ‘Humor’ Category
Ashes: Running
Saturday, January 23rd, 2010Insomnia
Wednesday, September 2nd, 2009The green light of my new alarm clock
spreads, lapping at
the blackness of our room.
I am fidgeting, fluffing the pillow.
Sleep swims an elusive swell.
The lime-colored rays squirming from
those digital numbers
leech your cheeks, sagged with slumber.
You look sour,
painted that macabre green,
the lines of your face
blackened, carious.
Your arms drape like noodles
across your supine figure;
but for the hiss of breath,
an image of death.
I wish I’d opted for the red one.
Return of the Visual Entertainment Curse!
Tuesday, May 19th, 2009Allow me to preface this story with the fact that it’s going to make me look like a complete imbecile, and I admit, I am rather ashamed of the events that follow… but it’s too funny to hide, even if the laughter is at my own expense. So laugh away. I’ll be laughing with you.
We are always a little behind when it comes to technological advances. While most people are texting, twittering, iPoding and whatever-the-helling, we are still over here playing with fire and saying things like, “Ow! Fire hot!”
Charlie and the Visual Entertainment Curse of Hilarity!
Monday, May 18th, 2009Reese and I didn’t have a TV for years–like the first five years we were married we were totally TV free! We both had come out of heavily TVed homes and were just sick of TV, so we didn’t want one. Well five years later we decided it would be cool for playing movies on, which we did still like, and we thought maybe if we owned a TV we didn’t have to see everything in the theater or at someone else’s house. Went out and bought a tube TV, a brand we thought was reliable. It was a $300 TV, which at the time bought a modestly decent TV–nothing too fancy, but reliable and functional.
The plot thickens!
Have you ever seen asparagus wearing helmets?
Sunday, April 19th, 2009As I’ve experienced first hand, interesting observations can be made while being drunk. I’m not talking about the obvious stuff here, like finding hilarity in the bouncing of a tennis ball. I’m referring to things such as gravity awareness. Gravity can so easily be taken for granted while engaged in everyday activities such as walking. But when drunk, a certain sensitivity to this primal force of nature arises from the backlogged basement of the brain.
Rosy Cheeks
Saturday, March 21st, 2009HOT
Friday, March 20th, 2009In reading this rant, it helps to have
experienced Idaho's peak summer temperatures
with no AC... But I'm sure we can all use
our imaginations.
HOT
My husband was supposed
to fix the swamp cooler last weekend,
but he didn't get around to it.
It's so damn hot today;
my skin is glistening like precious.
I wonder if Cleopatra glistened,
her thick black eyeliner bleeding
into the crevices of her face,
sweat itching under that heavy gold collar...
Even with enough gold collars to buy
one hundred fifty-seven thousand flunkies
to fan ripples in your linen robe,
you'd still be glistening,
dripping from the creases of your royal bod,
wishing someone would hurry up
and invent an air conditioner.
Man, necessity is a mother.
Copyright (C) 2009 ThePontificators.com
Up (Yours) The Irish!
Tuesday, March 17th, 2009It’s been said that St. Patrick drove the snakes from Ireland in the fifth century. To make up for it, the Irish have been drinking until they see snakes ever since.
It has also been said that an Irish man would step over the bodies of twelve naked women to get to a bottle of whisky; my personal limit is five.
You’re all too dang serious
Monday, March 16th, 2009
hair everywhere oh god
Background info: Hava is my girlfriend.
It’s a riddle!
Sunday, March 15th, 2009If you know the answer for having read this in the past, I urge you to not ruin the fun for others by giving it away. Thanks!
———–
I am a brawny butterball
a corpulent cow of three thousand eighty-two pounds.
Look how my stomach sags like a hammock
strung between stumpy legs.
Point to a beast whose proportions are as fine as these!
What’s that?
You find my jowls rolly,
each polished gray fold flawlessly foldy,
every blush brushstroke copacetic in its utter pinkness—
of course you do!
Copyright (C) 2009 ThePontificators.com
